Don't Drop The Soap, Potter
by hwkitty
Summary: NOT SLASH! Collab with MickiTheMouse. When Voldemort decides to kidnap Harry and Draco, Ron and Snape are forced to rescue them, while Umbridge tries to teach Hermione the ways of the Ministry. crackfic. Ch. 2 up!
1. epic kidnappings & billowing cloaks

So. One day, Moldy Voldy was taking a stroll through 'Supposedly-dead-but-still-alive-and-needs-to-be-dead' land. Harry and Draco were currently arguing over 'whose was bigger'. While Hermione and Umbridge had an epic battle of words and sporks. Ron was talking-oh my goodness, civilly-with Severus Snape.

Ron was telling Snape about how completely trivial the 'whose is bigger' fight was, when Draco yelled, "Well, I smashed yours Potter, so mine is officially bigger!" To which Harry replied, "Well, I just _ate _yours, so it's insignificant!" Then Hermione decided to interrupt with, "Technically, mine is the largest. Yours are pitiful." At this point, Ron was thoroughly confused, and Snape was looking on in slight horror behind him.

When the redhead finally turned around, he noticed that Harry was chewing on something, Draco's fist was on the table dangerously close to someone's place-that-shall-not-be-named, and Hermione was holding up a grape that was just about as big as her thumb. Draco looked a bit stricken with surprise. Harry was gazing in utter confusion at Hermione as to how she even got into the conversation. Umbridge looked positively furious, and a vein was popping out of her neck at being ignored. For the fifth time. In the span of a minute.

As per usual, while Umbridge stormed off with a huff, Snape proclaimed that he had a class to attend to so that his Slytherins wouldn't fail. They all decided that he was probably holding a detention instead. At this point, Hermione had chucked the grape – the largest – at Draco, and it had bounced off of his head, hitting Harry in the eye. While the blond cast a triumphant look at him, Hermione and Ron hastened to remove the grape juice from their friend's eye.

Sometime in the middle of all this, Voldemort, aka Moldy Voldy, was leaving 'Supposedly-dead-but-still-alive-and-needs-to-be-dead' land through his ring, which he had made a Portkey to get out of the oddly long named land. He was heading toward Hogwarts with due haste and mild appreciation of the lack of change in scenery.

Apparently, Lucius Malfoy decided he would visit his son and ruin the reputation of the Chosen One in the process. As aforementioned Chosen One got into yet another argument over whose cucumber was bigger (actual cucumbers, guys, keep your minds out of their respective gutters), Hermione and Ron got into one of their usual escapades of trying to educate the redhead at Potions.

Moldy Voldy and Lucius ran into each other at random and were like "Whoahhh, I thought you were dead!"

Voldy was verbally assaulting Prettyboy (Lucius' code name, of course) for believing him dead. The blond was taking it like his son took his own verbal beatings. Of course, Narcissa wasn't there to stop him from backhanding him across the face, like she did for Draco. A matter of five minutes later, they had devised an epic plan that would include everyone but Ron and Snape because they just were not cool enough for the plan.

* * *

Just as the usual lunchtime was coming along for all Hogwarters, the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws made the decision to have Luna Lovegood unintentionally start a food fight by placing a piece of food in her hand, pulling it back, and making her throw it. Of course, Miss Lovegood was oblivious enough for this feat to actually be accomplished.

When said food fight was initiated, most first-years found themselves screaming and ducking behind tables while avoiding being hit by pieces of frozen food – no one was really sure why they were frozen. During this debacle, Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy, Ronald Weasley (because we can't really call him Mr. Weasley without thinking of Arthur or his brothers), and not to forget Miss Granger found themselves backed into a corner by Fred and George. Why they were in this corner, no one knew – only Fred and George did, because only they knew the delicate art of making people too distracted to notice they were with their enemies.

Eventually, all four noticed that they were in fact with each others, and the Gryffindors decided to huddle together, leaving Malfoy with his own lonesome self. Because, y'know. Draco Malfoy is a very lonesome kind of teenager. He's kind of angsty too, really. Don't think Harry can out-angst him, especially not in the sixth movie, because in the sixth movie he has so much to angst about – but I digress. Seeing as the Slytherin was all alone, Pansy Parkinson, who happened to be ambling along with something very green and globby attached to her face, flung herself toward the Weasley twins, emitting high-pitched squeaks of idiocy, because obviously you can't have a sneak attack when you're yelling.

Draco, who was very keen to avoid pug-faced Parkinson, actually went so far as to hex her into petrification so that she wouldn't come too close to him. Fred and George, not to mention the other three staring at him in disbelief, were relatively – well, completely – shocked by this show of... heroism_? _They were not sure whether to tackle him and thank him or accuse him of having ulterior motives. They chose inbetween, consisting of gaping at him before thanking him profusely for saving them from pug-faced Parkinson.

Now, we all know the heroism-accused, grey-eyed boy would not accept thanks – not that he said that aloud, of course – because he wasn't quite sure what they were thanking him for. So when Harry continued to stare at him, and mutter something along the lines of, "Oh my Rowling, you're not a bad person after all? But I've been blaming every bad thing that ever happened to me in my past years of schooling on you in hopes that I'd someday be correct!"

After a moment of contemplation, Draco cried, "So that's why I got detention for a month _and _Umbridge made me go round up all of the -" here he made quote marks in the air - "sick students. Thanks a lot, Potter." Where actually inside, he was slightly surprised, as he wasn't actually that horrible of a person.. he was a pretty alright person, although he didn't want his father to know. He'd probably attempt to beat the goodness out of him or something.

Back on track of "the plan," the three Gryffindors (not including the twins, who were currently throwing random food items that were probably infused with some sort of magic) managed to successfully lead the only Slytherin with them out of the Great Hall so that they could _not _get pelted with food. Some of which may or may not be an entity. Not to mention, the petrification spell on Pansy could have lifted at any time.

Not that any of them knew that Prettyboy, who was willing to sacrifice his own son, mind you, was waiting out in the hall with a giant black bag that could fit two or three people. To this day, no one knows how he managed to sneak three other Death Eaters in with him, but he did. Either way, they were going to use Unforgivables, but Moldy Voldy did not agree with this – rather surprisingly.

Instead, they went with hexes, a few potions, and a little bit of brute force to stuff Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy into the bag. Moldypants probably could have just killed Harry there and have been done with it, but apparently that was far too easy and not nearly dramatic enough for him. Or maybe he was a wimp. Orange Pimple-face, one of the other Death Eaters' code names, had decided that Ron was not worthy of the Bag and had thrown him farther down the hallway. Turtle Pinkflower-nose had attempted to use an Unforgivable on Miss Granger. Of course, he was a failure and just sucked, putting her in the Hospital Wing for a while with a bad case of amnesia, and probably a pretty bad headache when she awoke.

* * *

Now, I know no-one will expect this, but amidst all of this chaos and mockery of Unforgivables, Professor Snape had finished punishing random students and possibly traumatizing some Hufflepuff girl, because he asked her what in the name of Rowling was a Hufflepuff, and what was the insignificant creature doing among the other houses anyway. He was stalking down the hall at this point, rather annoyed because he could see people who had much more swishy cloaks than his. In a moment of ninja, he managed to catch the flying Weasley by the collar and drag him back to assault these amazingly cloaked persons with his mockery and outstanding wordplay.

When he finally did catch up to them, managing to step on one's cloak and making him faceplant with a loud cracking sound - which he could only presume to be his nose (poor Flowernose), he noted that there was a bag twitching in the grip of a very familiar, blond, and pretty man whose name escaped him at the moment, even though they'd known each other forever.

The other Death Eater – he assumed they were as such, because he'd heard an annoyed hiss of "Potter!" emitting from the bag, and decided since there was only one Potter at Hogwarts at the moment, unless there was some odd paradox occurring – it could only be Moldy, who was never good at dramatics, trying to dramatically murder one Harry Potter for like, the fifty bajillionth time. Unfortunately, he tripped over his own billowy cloak, which – had he faceplanted, probably would have hurt as his nose is a bit, erm, out there – but luckily landed on a very annoyed Ron. This meant, unfortunately for those who would miss Harry and Draco's presences, the impressively cloaked figures whose names still escaped his mind escaped. Damn. He'd wanted to ask where they'd gotten their cloaks and how they billowed along so magnificently.

* * *

**A/N: In case you didn't read the summary, this isn't slash, just completely cracky. Ahaha, it's a collaboration with the marvelous MickitheMouse, so if things sound different at certain points, there's a reason. Not that that's a bad thing.**

**Reviews are lovely, and favorites will save Harry and Draco's poor little lives. Suggestions are appreciated, also. Since this is a crackfic, flames over pointless things will be ignored, because pointless flames are pointless. Yeah. **

**Peace, bro, until the next chapter.  
**


	2. invasions of space and nonproposals

It was dark inside the Bag, and quite uncomfortable also. Draco and Harry were trying to make themselves at least somewhat cozy without killing one another. It wasn't working very well.

"Ngh, your hand is in my eye!"

"Your eye is on my hand!"

"Potter, move your _bloody _hand before I remove it completely!"

"Fine! Goodness, Malfoys these days.." Harry finally gave in, moving his arm with a bit of effort.

"I heard that. And regretfully, now your hand is near my Unforgivables."

"Ugh, really?"

A new voice came from outside the bag. "I heard that too, Potter."

Draco was quite perplexed. "What the –_ Father?_ What are you doing out there?"

Lucius had blown his cover! Crap, crap, what should he do? Pretend it wasn't him, he decided.

"What are you talking about? Who's this 'father'? This is Prettyboy, son."

Draco would have facepalmed, had he the space. "Get me out of this _bloody_ bag with this _bloody_ git!"

"Don't insult the Bag, son. It's rude. The Dark Lord would not appreciate your insolence."

Harry was confused. "Why are you using the word bloody so bloody much today, Malfoy? That's usually Ron's bloody thing. Are you trying to cramp his bloody style or something? Bloody?"

"... and you say I use it a lot? Really, Potter, you're worse than that Mudblood Granger."

Lucius was a little behind in the conversation. "What is this mockery of the Bag?" he asked. Nobody acknowledged him.

"Snape's not even a pureblood, okay? He's the Half-Blood Prince, for Rowling's sake!" Harry finally exploded.  
"Whoa, whoa. What?" Draco asked. "My favorite teacher, head of Slytherin house – the home of all purebloods – is a _what_ now?"

Harry backtracked. "You heard nothing, bro."

Lucius was still trying to enter the conversation. "I heard that. I heard. I hear all."

Harry scowled. "Oh, be quiet, Prettyboy."

* * *

Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, Dumbledore was charging Ron and Snape with a rather odd duty.

"You want Weasley and I to go after them? Why us?"

The Headmaster's eye twinkled at them. Snape regarded it warily.

Ron was busy eating some lemon drops he'd found somewhere. He wasn't really very interested in what the two adults were saying, since it probably wouldn't make much sense anyway. He figured he'd get some clearer instructions from Snape when out of Dumbledore's office.

Hermione, who had just managed to wake up in the Hospital Wing, was sitting in the bed staring rather blankly at the ceiling. One might expect Ms. Granger to be up and running to Ron or searching for her captured friends, no? Well, that was impossible. When she had woken up a mere two hours before, she had been reacquainted with her teachers and close friends. Yeah, not much fun really. To explain, it seemed she had taken a rather bad effect from the dysfunctional spell, resulting in amnesia. Stupid Turtle Pinkflower-nose.

Incidentally, one Professor Dolores Jane Umbridge had just finished explaining to her who she was: what she acted like, her grades, etc. Or, how she was a pesky Gryffindor, smart-alecky, and just a brat. Not to mention - oh my Rowling - not a _pureblood_!

"My Rowling, was I really that much of a know-it-all in the first book?"

Umbridge gave a saccharine smile, waving a hand dismissively.

"I know. But I will teach you the ways of the Ministry, young Padawan."

This hereby resulted in a long, pointless explanation pertaining to not telling lies, and not being ill – it's simply unbecoming, and what not to do, and the little they could do... Eventually, lucky for Hermione, Umbridge left her to her thoughts to allow this to sink in, and she was remembering things now. There was something she had to do.

* * *

Suddenly, a white, ghostly otter appeared around Ron's feet. The redhead stared at it dumbly for a few moments before realizing that it was Hermione's Patronus, and it wanted him to follow it. After glancing at Snape and Dumbledore to make sure they weren't looking, he left the room quietly.

Hermione was waiting anxiously by the entrance to the Great Hall, holding a small box. As Ron approached her, she held it out to him with a smile. Ron was confused.

"Oh, Rowling. You're not proposing to me, are you?" he asked.

"Ron," Hermione said, exasperated, "why would I be proposing to you? We're still in school, you know."

"Oh. Right. I see," the boy agreed, clearly not seeing. He took the box and opened it slowly before throwing it into the air with a girlish shriek.

"What's wrong?" Hermione inquired. "Spiders are a symbol of peace in some countries..."

"'Mione," Ron whined, "I thought you would have remembered that I hate spiders! Remember that giant one who tried to kill us in second year? Him?"

Hermione thought for a moment. "Aragog? He seemed pleasant enough to me."

Ron was floored, to say the least. His jaw dropped. "He was going to have his children _eat _us! You must have a very selective memory." He stopped to consider something. "Wait, were you even there?"

"No, Ron, I believe I was petrified at that point in time," Hermione replied flatly.

"Oh, I remember now. Right, and the piece of paper -"

"Yes."

"And it told us about the basilisk and -"

"_Yes."_

"And you basically saved everyone's arses?"

"That's what I do, Ron."

* * *

Ron left, and soon after Hermione realized that the spider pendant was still lying on the ground. She wasn't often in the pranking sort of mood, but she had a brilliant idea...

A few hours later, an owl arrived at 1 Obvious Death Eater Hideout Lane and dropped a package off for Bellatrix Lestrange. The woman in question was particularly curious, as she never received packages, and was ready to Crucio anything living in there as she ripped off the paper. But no, it was actually a spider pendant – quite nice! – and the tag said it was from... Voldemort? Oh, he'd _finally _realized she was the most loyal of the Death Eaters, and wished to state his newfound undying love for her! She rushed off to find him, wondering how she could possibly thank him...

* * *

**A/N: That's all for now, folks!~ I think that the next chapter shall be... in which Draco and Harry finally arrive at their destination, Snape and Ron set out upon their epic quest, and Hermione tries to dig up information about Umbridge's past! Oh, and Bellatrix sets out to find Voldemort. Micki is coming over this weekend to work on chapter 3, maybe, if she gets over her strep throat in time. reviews make her better! |D  
**


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